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heresytrash

My mom's lack of understanding.

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I'm going to be blunt and say that my oldest brother, the oldest out of us seven, is not a good human being and an abuser. 

 

Because of this, certain members of my family find it hard to get along with them, though it wasn't the lack of trying. The crimes he did were so heinous and had such a negative impact, with no real acknowledgment from him or apology that it was too hard to keep civil anymore even for my mom's sake.

 

My mom states that she's the only one who has faith in him when he's never really done anything to redeem himself and gets mad when I dont acknowledgme anything he does.

 

As of late he wasn't invited to my sisters wedding and he's not invited to my brothers wedding either at his fiance's request to protect her child.

 

If I get married he won't be invited either, I barely consider him family anymore. 

 

However the way she talks about our trauma with him is odd, that if any regular Joe schmoe did this to us she'd want his head.

 

She expects the victim to just realize he's "trying his best" despite he keeps playing victim. Like he hasn't caused any psychological damage to his victims at all and his wife says they're being over dramatic about it.

 

How can I relay to my mom that even though he's her son, and our brother, his actions are just way too severe and we dont owe him any sympathy or forgiveness?

 

If this topic is too heavy feel free to delete it, I just had to get it off my chest.

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Draw the line that says you will not be looking to have any relation with this person and that any further push to coerce you into doing so will result in the breaking off of your relationship with her as well. Your safety and happiness should trump the comfort and justifications that are enabling him to never apologize or improve.

 

 

Of course, this is assuming you are in a position where this is possible.

 

 

Telling someone in your support system "no" is extremely hard in general, so I cannot even imagine what it's like in this dark of a situation.

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1 hour ago, heresytrash said:

However the way she talks about our trauma with him is odd, that if any regular Joe schmoe did this to us she'd want his head.

 

She expects the victim to just realize he's "trying his best" despite he keeps playing victim. Like he hasn't caused any psychological damage to his victims at all and his wife says they're being over dramatic about it.

she doesn't give your needs/feelings/space same priority she awarded to him by whatever reason, and she evidently puts enough mental effort to downplay his attitude/whatever he did in the past. she might keep some sort of internal rationalization in her head that she doesn't outright voice in your arguments.

there might be a partial layer of stronger bonds between mothers and sons vs mothers and daughters - it's a stereotype etc but it's pretty accurate overall.

 

I can't give out any advice in this situation, but given how much external perspective I've gained on family hypocrisy over the past recent years, there's very little chance for them to recognize that you indeed have a very serious and a very real reason to treat him the way you do, and act on that realization.

 

1 hour ago, heresytrash said:

She expects the victim to just realize he's "trying his best" despite he keeps playing victim.

it's either an ingrained internal double-standard for her precious first born, or crystal clear cynicism, and I've seen examples of both.

 

1 hour ago, heresytrash said:

How can I relay to my mom that even though he's her son, and our brother, his actions are just way too severe and we dont owe him any sympathy or forgiveness?

there're ways to do that (a very serious conversation over your own view of what's going on and your clear disapproval of her repeating patterns of condoning him is a start), the problem is your best bet often times would be either developing coping mechanisms if you are otherwise better off staying with your family in your circusmtances, or just outright packing and leaving if you can afford the financial burden of moving out and have savings to do so.

 

based on your side of story, the age and sex disparity, your can speak out, but there might be no one listening.

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My advice: don‘t try to change her mind. If she‘s willing to hold on to her son, it‘s okay, even though he might not deserve this. She‘s a mother, afterall and it is excruciating to realize: damn, my son is a failure. Hence, have I failed? 

I know it might be nerve-wrecking but in my opinion it is not your business to convince her that she shouldn‘t hold on to him. 

However, you don‘t owe her to go along with that. If you say she is downplaying the effect of his actions towards you guys, point it out and that it is hurtful to you. Always expect her to respect your view on the situation and the consequences your view has. Respect her clinging to her son, but demand that you won‘t go along with that. 

 

 

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Look, the only thing you can do is just live your life the way you best see fit and ignore/leave this behind as much as you can. You don't need to continue having any relationship whatsoever with your brother and to be bluntly honest, your mom is just gonna have to learn to deal with it. The way she feels about your brother is not your responsibility -- and I know it sucks that you probably feel like you can see through everything clearly and that you'd like your mother and everyone else to be able to do the same, but unfortunately that's not how it works. You gotta be kind of egoistic here and think primarily of yourself. It seems everyone in your situation is an adult, which means they're fully capable and should be held responsible for their actions. This might be a cliche statement, but trust me, it helps put things into perspective. As someone who's been dealing with an abusive father for almost 29 years and whose mom still hopes on God that he's gonna overcome alcoholism and his violent behavior and the entire family is gonna live happily ever after, I can tell you that whatever you do to deal with this, it's gonna suck one way or the other. You're probably gonna feel kind of hopeless forever (yay!), but at least you can find comfort in knowing you did what you could and that all you can do going forward is live by what you think makes you happy. Good luck!

Edited by saishuu

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4 hours ago, heresytrash said:

I'm going to be blunt and say that my oldest brother, the oldest out of us seven, is not a good human being and an abuser. 

 

Because of this, certain members of my family find it hard to get along with them, though it wasn't the lack of trying. The crimes he did were so heinous and had such a negative impact, with no real acknowledgment from him or apology that it was too hard to keep civil anymore even for my mom's sake.

 

My mom states that she's the only one who has faith in him when he's never really done anything to redeem himself and gets mad when I dont acknowledgme anything he does.

 

As of late he wasn't invited to my sisters wedding and he's not invited to my brothers wedding either at his fiance's request to protect her child.

 

If I get married he won't be invited either, I barely consider him family anymore. 

 

However the way she talks about our trauma with him is odd, that if any regular Joe schmoe did this to us she'd want his head.

 

She expects the victim to just realize he's "trying his best" despite he keeps playing victim. Like he hasn't caused any psychological damage to his victims at all and his wife says they're being over dramatic about it.

 

How can I relay to my mom that even though he's her son, and our brother, his actions are just way too severe and we dont owe him any sympathy or forgiveness?

 

If this topic is too heavy feel free to delete it, I just had to get it off my chest.


There's always a reason for people to do what they do. And in this instance, I am referring to both your mother and your oldest brother, but for different reasons.

I have no idea what your brother did and I'm not going to ask you to share it, so you can pretend that I "covered" it.

I don't understand the whole situation concerning you and your mother, but I can relate. I understand what it feels like to know a family member is horrible person but apparently nothing you do can convince someone otherwise. If the math isn't adding up, odds are there is something you don't know. Maybe a lot of things. Some piece of the picture that you are missing. Parents are pretty good at hiding their past from their children. The only two people in this world that would be able to tell you are your mother and your brother, and we can nix the last one.

To get her to understand where you are coming from, you first have to understand where she is coming from. You need to understand where her mind is so you can break down that mental fortress she's put up between her and her pain, so the points that you are making can come across. Right now she hears you but she doesn't. Doing this may require you to learn some painful things about your family that you may not be ready for. Prepare yourself to the best of your ability, and begin by thinking about the types of questions that you should be asking. There's obviously some reason why she wants to keep extending the metaphorical olive branch, and that's at the heart of your issue here. Until you figure out what that reason is, the situation probably will not change.

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I came to the conclusion to leave behind what's bad for me. It's a hard decision and I've been through all my close to 40 year old life to get to that point.

 

However while a part of me just feels like advising to do the same I don't wanna do because I don't your whole situation, you are not me and all that.

What I think everyone in such situations should do is think through how things feel for them. Can you go on that way? Can you find ways to talk to her to give her a feeling of how you feel? It might be she never will even imagine this, I'm not even talking about understanding.

Also I think it's always good to not just think but listen to your gut feeling. It's so much more trustworthy than any logical thought or any feeling coming from a heart.

For your own sake distance yourself what feel unbearable to you. To keep yourself as healthy and strong as possible.

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I guess the bottom line seems to be that you're mum still love your brother as her son, which is natural being a mother and all. I watched a documentary once where a guy was locked away for sexually abusing his mother (in a pretty gross manner as well), yet, she forgave him, still loved him and still visited him regularly in "prison". So guess that maternal bond just often comes before anything else. From what you've said I can take a guess at what his crimes are and can totally understand why you and your siblings wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. Regardless of what it is, if someone is abusing other people (or animals even!) in any sense, sexually, using violence, mentally or all three and more then whether you're related or not I don't see why there is an obligation to accept them. I guess it kind of depends how often you see him, is it easy to disassociate? Or because of your mum being blind to his negative actions, you still have to see him a fair bit? If the second one that's very awkward and guess you can just try to keep out the way, even just chilling in your room whenever he's around or anything. But yeah there's no reason anyone in your family should accept him because your mum does and at the same time I don't think there is any way to change your mums opinion of him either. Think about how hard it is to change yourself, you think you can change someone else? It's nearly impossible so not even worth trying, you can express your views of him sure, but expecting your mum to change and think the same way you do, just isn't going to happen I don't think.

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