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Gesu

Am I a bad person?

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Lately, I've been thinking about how uncompassionate I must seem to people who come to me with problems. I believe I said this before in a status update, but whenever someone tells me something bad that's going on in their life and they feel the need to vent about it (by which I mean something that's really affecting them, not just your average "I woke up late", "I got splashed by a bus", etc), I'll either give them cold, hard advice or direct them to someone who can if I don't have the answer. I can't just hold someone and tell them it's going to be okay. I can't be that shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong. I can't tell people that everything's going to be okay because all I can think of is that it might not be. I think the worst part about it all is that I always tell people they can come and talk to me, and they do because I'm apparently an easy enough person to talk to, but whenever they do, they never like what I have to say because I think they see me as a bit too forthright when they'd rather have someone just smile and comfort them. I just disappoint them. People here have told me that I'm a good person and that it's not my fault, but that's only because they've never come straight to me with an issue before. I've begun to think that the problem really is with me because it's happened too many times to just be a coincidence, but I don't want to change the way I deal with things because I'm only doing what I'd want someone to do for me.

 

Also, I think it's worth noting that I have actually fallen out with a few people because of this. I told them I couldn't keep seeing them anymore if they were just going to say the same things over and over again without giving my ideas a chance, and that they were getting me down, and when I said that, they just got really upset and I heard from the person who was relaying our messages to each other that those people were considering hurting themselves. At the time, I thought they were just being clingy and blackmailing, but I'm beginning to think maybe I'm the one who fucked up. I don't like people becoming too dependent on me because... well, what if something happened to me? As unlikely as it may be, I could die tomorrow and I wouldn't like to think that that would be the end for everyone who ever trusted me, but... maybe I should just let them depend on me? Aren't friends supposed to do that, and to get upset when someone leaves them for whatever reason? Maybe I'm just too cold-hearted to gauge that. I suppose I haven't exactly proven to be the most understanding person in the world.

 

Haa, I vent quite a bit meself in this forum, so mayhaps I'm just a hypocrite. It's few and far between, but still. Anyways, what do you guys think?

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reading this you are not in the wrong! if you believe someone in your life is bringing you down as well you really shouldn't keep them on.

I understand your sense of direction because i am the same, people become overly dependent on me and im in no way good in giving advice or comforting people.

For awhile i recommend you focus on you and only you! Give yourself a break from the negativity and focus on the more positive aspects in life ^^

 

 

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Look, I've seen you here a couple of times trying to be a shoulder to cry on for some people voluntarily. Perhaps you shouldn't go around trying to help everyone in sight? I don't mean that in a bad way, just something to work on in order to prevent these feelings from coming up.

 

What I've learned over the years is that people need to come to you specifically if they need your help. Most importantly, you can't (and probably aren't even equipped to) deal with other people's issues yourself. People, as much as it sucks to accept sometimes, need to deal with their shit on their own. Their own time and own terms. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or uncompassionate - sometimes the most responsible thing to do is refer the person that's hurt to someone else that's better equipped to handle those things. Sometimes you can be there to comfort them and try to talk them out of a rough situation, but it's up to the person in question how they'd prefer to better handle their feelings.

 

Some people, however, just need to bring you down to their hole with them. Just be aware of those and make no mistake in cutting them off. No matter how bad they might feel and the amount of help they need, they might turn into a toxic person without even realizing it and if you're not aware, you'll be down there with them.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but don't feel too bad. I hate to bring up this card, but you still seem relatively young, right? With more experience in your adulthood, I'm sure you'll be more at comfort to deal with a lot of situations in life and relationships with those closer to you. Don't beat yourself too much and just give it some time.

Edited by saishuu

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Well, you just acted the way you thought was good for them. Sometimes, you can't help people if they don't want to be helped. You can't make them do as you what them to do stuff. They have to learn their stuff themselves. Maybe it's time to think more about yourself and focus on what's important in your own life. Try surrounding yourself with people more positive, because yes, as the guy above me said, some are toxic, they are just there to bring you down (talking from experience).

Again from experience, I was the shoulder that people cried on it, and well, there's not much people around me anymore. I got fed up of being used all the time. So I change my life and I'm trying to move on.

Like I said, focus on what makes you feel good, people you enjoy being with people who don't put you down or use you and well, being rational with people who struggle with their feelings is not a good mix too. Sometimes, they don't want to hear the truth, they only want to be heard. That's a part too you have to consider. Some people just need to talk, heck, everyone love to talk about themselves, so you just listen, and well, if it affected you negatively, you just move on. Not easy, but yeah, as the guy said above, you are still young, you will learn with experiences.

I hope you can meet people that are nice to you, and well, I also saw you a lot on the forum lately, you look like a nice person to me, so don't let them bring you down.

Have a nice day!

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Another perspective to look at as well is that a lot of the time, people only like to hear what they’re hoping to hear, and when someone adds a bit of realism to a situation, it can lead to them feeling like their problem really is a big problem. So I wouldn’t blame yourself, and I’m also not saying it’s other people’s fault because I don’t know their situation, but I’m hoping this provides you with a bit of comfort on the matter! 

 

Please tell me that made sense btw. I’m super tired! XD 

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Imho I’m not very good at comforting people either, but I try. I think part of this disconnect stems from the fact that I don’t go to people for comfort beyond wanting to cuddle with the H, since I’m well aware going to other people won’t actually solve the problem.

 

And that’s the thing... you usually can’t fix something for someone. You can be there and hold them why they cry and give them a safe space to vent, but they shouldn’t really have expectations beyond that, nor is it reasonable for them to expect you to drop everything to help them every time.

 

I had this one friend who kept coming to me for advice every other day after making one bad choice in her life after another and that shit was exhausting. It got to the point where I was dreading her messages because I had no desire to waste what little free time I had each day on her clingy need for attention or validation for the dumb shit she was putting herself through. I could understand if she was going through a bad patch in life atm but this was just her dating a serial cheater and getting mad about it, drama over her dating a married man before that, family drama bc she’s unmotivated to do anything with her life, etc. She needed counseling or therapy, not me.

 

While I do think there is some merit to trying to comfort a friend in the way they need (which may not be the same way you would need), it’s difficult for them to expect you to figure out that need, and daunting or possibly toxic if they expect it often.

 

Especially when you’re working 8-12 hours a day, have a s/o and/or kids and pets, or have a healthy social life, imho it’s rude of “friends” to constantly steal your small amount of personal time each day over problems they don’t really need to involve you in.

Edited by jaymee

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Of course you're not a bad person, you don't try to hurt someone, we're all different in every way, it's difficult to stay true to yourself and be socially acceptable sometimes, but it's part of being a social animal, I can put me as an example, I've anxious depressive disorder and a lot of times I have horrible thoughts about everyone, but when I start working I need to smile to everyone cuz I work in a hospital and I know all these people are suffering from horrible diseases, and here I am helping them and their families, at least for me that changes everything and full my heart but it's not easy start the day with horrible thoughts and then smile for everyone and making them comfortable

 

so talking about you again (sorry for the self centered prick example) in general people want to hear comfortable comments because sometimes they don't want the truth, just hoping for carry on in their lives, every brain has different concepts of life for their experiences and thats awesome and horrible at the same time, so cheer up you're not bad, you're just true to yourself and if someone wants to be your friend is going to be not because you can help them, it's because they really loves you as a whole

if someone drags you down, he/she is making you suffer that isn't kind enough to understand that they're hurting you too and you need to move one, suffering is part of our lives, but that is not a reason for keep it

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Thanks, guys! You've all been really helpful ^_^I'll try to take a break from the more negative people in my life and only be there for people if they can understand that I have limits, then.

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I will just say that people aren't always looking for you to give them advice when they have problems. Sometimes people just need to vent out a bit. Not even a shoulder to cry on per-se. Don't always feel like you need to always give someone a solution to their problems. 

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1 minute ago, lichtlune said:

I will just say that people aren't always looking for you to give them advice when they have problems. Sometimes people just need to vent out a bit. Not even a shoulder to cry on per-se. Don't always feel like you need to always give someone a solution to their problems. 

That's what gets me, though. People expecting me to just sit there and listen while they're not prepared to listen to me. I know now that I shouldn't always try to help everyone, because I can't, but I have to say something even if it's not advice but I don't know how to do that. I guess I'm just awkward in these situations.

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I think also I know what you are talking about, sadly. I do not know you personally well, but instantly I felt you are very friendly. I listened other people's sadness and problems in social media also. I am also person it is very difficult to say 'no'. I burned out ._. So I worked too much, and always done, what people were expecting from me.

 

Result: Nowdays I am on almost all the time 'on holidays' from social media.  And I figured out it's really helping. I said that I am not very social person, and not very talkative. That's true. It's taking a huge amount of energy to talk with someone. Not now 😋 I am basically very shy person, and (try to be also perfectionist, lol )

 

That's why so many are misusing me also. I feel very deep someone's mood (sadness, disappointment, etc) And feel empathy. So that's why I keep long distance with people in social media. Even I miss my friends. I have to do it, so that I am capable to live normal life. Sitting beside computer 24/7 is not healthy to anybody. I had to take off, and I realized I cannot do so much any more also.  I found some pages I read things that I have to take better care of myself and not care about other's opinions about me. But I still do. I think you are the same kind (??) Stay away from toxic people, I have to decide that by myself couple months ago.  😌 Even it means I cannot talk with my friends ._. I am also very competitive (unfortunately) and I have to learn not to be like that. I wish everything good for you 😺 Every time I feel bad my medicine is stay away from social media, and spend time with my cat ❤️ And sometimes I just listen beautiful music. Do not ever people misuse You ^^ This is the longest comment I've ever written to MH 😋

Edited by ajisaii052

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This is not a question of right or wrong, no one can even attempt to answer that and think theirs is the only truth. But, thing is, compassion will never be an equivalent exchange. It's something you give without expecting something in return. A genuine helping hand shouldn't be followed by the second one, demanding. But that's beside the point, just a thought I had.

 

You seem like a kind person, but too keen on keeping up appearances. Do you think that you, yourself, are a bad person or are you worried that your peers might perceive you as such? Are you looking for validation, here, to escape the lack of it from people actually in your life? I know, that I might be asking some nasty questions, for that, I'm sorry, but you need to learn to just not give a shit sometimes, I think I've even told you before and I wasn't the only one, but here we are :D I know it ain't as simple as that, but one day, you will burn yourself out, I know, for I've been there.

 

In essence, you tried to help, didn't work, well, either try harder (if you want to or are able to) or move on (if you aren't). Sounds easy, right? It ain't but I believe that you are strong enough to find that balance, since you set out on the path. And whatever the ones affected might think of you? Well, tough luck for them. If I had to worry about what other people might think of me, because of my actions, beliefs, appearance, etc., I'd be fucking dead from stress, for years, now :D 

Edited by 123Sandman321

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5 hours ago, Gesu said:

That's what gets me, though. People expecting me to just sit there and listen while they're not prepared to listen to me. I know now that I shouldn't always try to help everyone, because I can't, but I have to say something even if it's not advice but I don't know how to do that. I guess I'm just awkward in these situations.

Sometimes, just simply listening helps a lot to the other person. If you want to give them advice, ask them first. Keep asking them questions to get a clarification of their situation. That's what I would do. We'll often be self righteous to a point where we fail to have empathy.

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I read this today, and I wanted add something.

There's need the right measure in everything. It's good to help people and listen to people that need to speak with someone. Even if sometimes it can be annoying to listen to over and over again the same problems, it's always charitable to listen  to also who is not so funny or it's  annoying. If we are kind only with those who gives just pleasures, we don't make nothing special. But of course , if we see a person thatbecame too much 'dependent' on us, it's not good either.  We don't have to became dependent on any creature/human beings. Maybe they  need more help from professionals, I would suggest them to go to a professional (even if at the end they can't really help ... Professionals can only help in 'surface'.   There's more 'strong' people, (that hide their deep sadness) and more weak people, that can be hurted most. There's a solution for all these things, but it's not a solution that can be told. It's up to each of who need it,  to find it.

Also, don't feel upset . You said "Aren't friends supposed to do that, and to get upset when someone leaves them for whatever reason?". no, friends should not feel that way, but we are humans and feelings get upset easily , so we can  hurts others very easily . We have to understand that people are not perfect and full of faults. Just  try  understanding/commiserate them,  because it's due to this human weakness's condition that make us this way, but  do not feel embittered, but just feel a charitable  'pity' for all these  human "miseries". Your friends would not really upset you, but this human condition make us do many things that we never wanted say but due to this weakness we can say.

"Maybe I'm just too cold-hearted to gauge that. I suppose I haven't exactly proven to be the most understanding person in the world."
No, don't feel that way. You can't save all the people and they should not give all this "burden" to you. But, remember, the human heart is in a weakness condition, so in this awareness, you can feel more calm and without too many thoughts , just commiserate the human heart, be patient and now you can  understand why such things happens, so it's more easy to forgive them, knowing the weakness of hearts. Just try to be friendly but also when see they became too much dependent on you, do some steps back, but don't totally leave all at once, trying  to not upset them ... Don't worry, and do the best you can,  Tell them you wish you could help them, but you are just human, and they are humans and don't have to be too much dependent on creatures. They need to find the real Light and not being dependent too much on creatures. Take care!


PS: very important thing: (!) In general, for this and anything else that may happen in your life, remember always,  Never allow those thoughts that are discouraging to tell you that you are 'hypocrit'  (you wrote this too), never listen to this feeling  "am I  a bad person?".. and so on... and all those negative things that sometimes you think. Ignore them totally.  (I dont want to say that we have to think we are perfect or without faults, as everyone have faults, but when we commit a faults, never feel too much upset upon yourself. That 'charitable ' feeling I speak above, it's not valid just for others, but also for yourself, you have to be patient also with yourself. This don't mean one is perfect, i mean, i want to say that even if we also can commit a mistake, we don't have to feel hurts or be too much upset with ourself. We just have to say 'ok, I did a  mistake, but I will stand up and next time I will do better. " Something like this. That mean, to recognize that we are weak heart too, but not feel upset upon ourself. be patient upon youself is the first thing too) , Remember... Never consent the  negative thoughts you heard inside. . I can't add more for now... But never listen to depressive thoughts, these motions you feel ...  I repeat, never listen to these  negative thoughts. Even if you think these comes from your thoughts... 

Edited by Monochromelove

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