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The trans* thread (transsexual, transgender, genderqueer etc.)

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I know that there are at least a few other trans people here.

 

I started transitioning a few months ago. Hormones are a hell of a trip.  :lolita_question:  That said, I really think of myself as genderqueer. I don't feel entirely comfortable with 'being female', even less so with 'being male', so I'm somewhere in the middle.

 

I'd love to hear other trans peoples' stories/situations, and maybe we can help support each other.

 

:lolita_love:

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I identify as genderqueer/genderfluid. I struggle with gender dysphoria almost daily. My dream is to have facial feminzation surgery some day in the future. I was born with a masculine face which I hate. Makes it very difficult to pull off the style I want to go with. I try not to be envious of all the pretty vk musicians. Honestly It's a dream for me to be like them though. I'm not really satisfied admiring from the outside. 

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i identify as agendered, im cool with any pronouns. i started really questioning my gender when i got into visual kei actually so its interesting to talk about this on a vk forum.

long rant ahead about gender lol

i was born male and i mostly look male but i wish i didnt LOL i have kind of mild dysphoria in that sense but i'd hesistate to consider myself trans. heck i dont even identify with humans but thats totally different LOL. my ideal sense of self is some beautiful demon shadow thing and few people are close enough with me to know this they just think im some cis gay lol.

i dont think i have an interest in transitioning but im getting a rhinoplasty which will change my face a lot and make me a lot prettier which im happy about. my dysphoria is little things and im lucky it makes very little impact on my self esteem but if my body was more masculine looking it would likely be a bit more difficult. im 5'9 and 118lbs so i have a very thin frame and i dont like being so short but thats my ideal weight and size since i feel i dont look like a boy that way, i just look like something else.

its interesting neolicht mentioned visual kei because i really wish i could look like aryu or any other boys that still have a masculine quality to their face but have the beauty of the opposite gender so i totally fucking relate. i think my face is relatively feminine but i dont wish to go much further with surgery in the future.

in that sense i feel that my transness is pretty mild and i dont know if other people can call me trans but in the same sense i dont care because while im more comfortable with being in my male body i know im not a boy.

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I don't really like talking about it.

I still don't really know what all the terms are and shit but I pretty much hate being female and it causes a lot of stress and depression when I start thinking about it all.

I too am envious of the vk gods and their androgynous beauty. It's hard to fangirl with the other gals since they want to fuck them and I want to be them. Blah.

I would love to be a pretty dude hitting it up in skirts and just looking good. Or you know a gorgeous mythical being haha. But sadly never going to happen and that sucks.

Meeeeehhhhh

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I'm pretty ignorant about this entire subject. Can someone define what transsexual, transgender, genderqueer, etc. is? I get it but I don't.

Also I have a more targeted question for @leafwork: does HRT put a strain on your body that you weren't expecting?

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I've always wondered how Visual Kei came into play with this. Is it because you are transgender or agender that you come looking for a scene that defies gender, or is it that you found Visual Kei and suddenly a voice in your head says: "That's me"?

It always worries me that because these men are so pretty, that it's just a phase for teenagers or young adults. There are a lot of fake examples in Visual Kei because more than often these musicians are straight men who dress up for shits and giggles. I also know a few Dutch people in the Visual Kei fandom here who fake transgenderism (female to male) to look cool, and it's really bothering me, and that's also why I started wondering about how Visual Kei influences this.

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I've always wondered how Visual Kei came into play with this. Is it because you are transgender or agender that you come looking for a scene that defies gender, or is it that you found Visual Kei and suddenly a voice in your head says: "That's me"?

It always worries me that because these men are so pretty, that it's just a phase for teenagers or young adults. There are a lot of fake examples in Visual Kei because more than often these musicians are straight men who dress up for shits and giggles. I also know a few Dutch people in the Visual Kei fandom here who fake transgenderism (female to male) to look cool, and it's really bothering me, and that's also why I started wondering about how Visual Kei influences this.

 

I just happened to find the scene by chance when I was young and then it was very exciting.  I didn't really think anything of it then (I was 11) but as years went by I admired them more and more and began wishing, yeah that's me, I guess. Cliche statement: Growing up I always felt different with everything and everyone but didn't really put anything together until a few years ago.

 

I'm not a teenager and this is not a phase. People always do that shit ten years ago everyone was bi! It's a very serious thing to me which only 3 people knew about until now...which makes me say, Naaaaani, not cool.

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I've always wondered how Visual Kei came into play with this. Is it because you are transgender or agender that you come looking for a scene that defies gender, or is it that you found Visual Kei and suddenly a voice in your head says: "That's me"?

It always worries me that because these men are so pretty, that it's just a phase for teenagers or young adults. There are a lot of fake examples in Visual Kei because more than often these musicians are straight men who dress up for shits and giggles. I also know a few Dutch people in the Visual Kei fandom here who fake transgenderism (female to male) to look cool, and it's really bothering me, and that's also why I started wondering about how Visual Kei influences this.

not necessarily, i got into visual kei later (17/18) and i liked the music as much as the looks interested me. no one in visual kei identifies as agender either, im just interested in the androgyny of certain musicians in the scene bc they're fucking beautiful to look at. so i dont identify with them at all (except wataru really LOL), but aesthetically i think its awesome. note that androgyny doesn't necessarily imply transness; some cisgendered people like playing with gender expression and they're still comfortable with their gender.

i find a lot of younger kids in the vk fandom (insta ppl mostly) identify under the trans umbrella in someway, and even if its a phase--which its likely not--then just let them do them and find out what works for them. i understand the concern for where vk blurs conceptions of gender in the first place and why every 16 year old from brazil identifies as ruki but its easier to let them figure themselves out than to say they're doing it to be cool. then again im not familiar with your vk scene, just going off of what i've seen.

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I'm pretty ignorant about this entire subject. Can someone define what transsexual, transgender, genderqueer, etc. is? I get it but I don't.

Also I have a more targeted question for @leafwork: does HRT put a strain on your body that you weren't expecting?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer

 

This may seem like a lazy response, but it's honestly the best I can give if you honestly want to understand these things.

 

Re: HRT - definitely, yes. It's basically like going through puberty again.  :indie_wth:

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i find a lot of younger kids in the vk fandom (insta ppl mostly) identify under the trans umbrella in someway, and even if its a phase--which its likely not--then just let them do them and find out what works for them. i understand the concern for where vk blurs conceptions of gender in the first place and why every 16 year old from brazil identifies as ruki but its easier to let them figure themselves out than to say they're doing it to be cool. then again im not familiar with your vk scene, just going off of what i've seen.

 

I know for certain these few specific people are definitely faking it. They only mildly attempt to identify as male towards their friends, while they're completely just girls when you talk to them one-on-one and aren't even trying to pretend to be transgender, they're just not and it simply seems more like a dress-up party with an edge. I also know of one girl I met online who ended up living with a trans-man who was willing to get her through the hormone process, but she suddenly backed out before all the appointments because she admittedly wasn't transgender but just liked dressing up as a tomboy and wanted to see how far she could take it.

 

I know being obsessed with a certain visual image can perhaps influence thoughts these people think are cool, but to lie to other people while you're just a normal cisgendered woman (in this case) personally? It makes no sense to me, isn't it insulting or at least upsetting the community when people fake transgenderism? 

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^^^^

 

Don't let it get to you Lestat. As previously stated by emmny, it may just be a phase.

 

 But Oh man, do I love talking about this stuff.

 

I have this fascination with understanding people with the psychological side of androgyny, and how they've grown as a person. I realized that this obsession arose because I have these psychologically androgynous thoughts myself.

 

I feel no one can compare in this thought process, so it's easy to notice an androgynous person from others. Good and bad because it makes you more interesting as a person, but very intimidating or unappealing to the both sexes in terms of relationships.

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Adding that I also identify as genderqueer (more specifically, agender) but still go with female pronouns because I'm not really open/comfortable about this yet and because that's just the most comfortable thing for me. I'm usually not too comfortable talking about this, but it looks like a lot of people here feel similarly, so I'm glad this is sort of a safe place. I don't really identify as female or male, but it's more of a "neither" instead of "both" sort of thing. I do have dysphoria because I have a VERY feminine body (this is basically my body type), so it makes it very hard to be the kind of androgynous I'd be comfortable presenting like.

 

I discovered visual kei when I was about 15 or so. It was a really big deal to me. Before then, I had that weird lurking feeling of not wanting to be female or male, but I didn't know how to present in a way that was comfortable for me. I did have an interest in fashion and makeup and I wanted to be attractive and beautiful, but I didn't really know how to put all of that together in a way that wasn't specifically female. So of course, the initial allure of visual kei was that it was all of those things. Really enjoying the music solidified my interest in it. I had always been very skinny, which was awesome for my situation. Unfortunately, I rapidly put on a lot of  weight when I was 19 and that caused a lot of changes to my body shape. It was a huge blow because at that point, I had found the thing that finally made me comfortable in my own skin and it was being taken away from me again. I also didn't know that identifying as non-binary was a thing until I was like 25, so the feelings I was struggling against were very private and alienating. I haven't been able to lose and keep off the weight, so I'm still EXTREMELY uncomfortable with myself and most of the time I feel like I have no business in a style meant for skinny attractive men, but I don't really know what else to do with myself. 

 

I'm also often very afraid to be open about my identity and have it misunderstood as "taking my visual kei obsession too far" because that's not true at all. I already felt like that for a long time before I knew anything about being genderqueer or even what being trans was. The previous talk of visual kei fans "faking it" to be cool is exactly what I'm talking about here. Also, it's possible to come out and take steps towards exploring your identity within a particular group or scene, but still not be out with your family, work/school, and friends outside of that group/scene. Many people don't realize that you don't just come out all at once. You come out over and over and over again to different people. You come out in different ways and at different times based on a lot of situation factors. I don't think it's fake at all to present as male and ask for male pronouns within a group, but still be in the closet in other parts of your life where coming out could be a very dangerous or complicated struggle that you're not ready for. 

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I guess I'm a genderqueer.

I never felt female, I often feel male, but then I should keep saying to myself, you are a woman yourself girl. (lol)

My body is kinda... well also a mix between male and female just by itself. Sometimes I think its because of those pubertystoppers I did got when I was 8-10 years old.  (because otherwise I would have gotten my period with an age of 8-9)

I also hated to have boobs.. lucky lucky mine are not big. *thank god*

I even let my hair grow now, because otherwise my face looks to much like a guy... 100% of photos.

 

I hate to have my period even if I'm having a boyfriend, I always hated it as the hell.

One tme I was playing with a male friend I guess I was 8 years old and then I asked him. doesn't my voice sound male?

Also if you check up how many people online think that I'm a dude.... (which I See as a damn compliment) I guess even my speech is male? Also male friends also open up very manly often to me about subjects like SEX. not in the way they would talk about it with a woman nope just like as they talk about it as they do to their male friends. Hard jokes etc. and I write/speak in the same male style back. XD

 

I always did think of.. should I get hormones should I talk about it with someone professional? The answer I made up for myself is, I stay woman who just loves to dress up like a guy sometimes just like some male person love to dress up like a dragqueen or just as a female. The reason is also because I'm straight. I'm not bisexual or  Lesbian. So makes it also more difficult to choose for to be a guy.

So I just play around as a tomboy. If I'm with some friends I love to dress up more male. But if I'm with family I dress up as female.

But you would never ever see me in a beautiful dress... At least not you guys on the internet. 

 

 

visual kei wasn't any any part of it. Nope... because I already had this feeling from small on.

And also thanks to a good friend we both find our way how we want to live inside our not female not male mind.

 

I simple say...

Do you see me as male? keep seeing me as male.

Do you see me as female? just see me as female

It's up to you.

 

I don't feel female but I also don't feel male.. I feel somewhere in between.

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I never made a reply to this thread because I was too confused about my own thoughts and feelings to write anything, and I still am. But I do think about this thread from time and time and want to write something so I’ve finally decided that I should just let my thoughts flow out. But I do apologize in advance because this will be a really long post…

 

Spoiler

 

I still don’t know fully well about all the terms surrounding this topic, but I do know that I have felt uncomfortable about being biologically female at least more than once. If I really look back, I think it started to begin because of where I was placed in my family. I’m the second youngest of eight in my family (I have a huge family I know) and I was smacked between three brothers. The oldest sister in my family is five years older than me, and as kids that was kind of a huge gap. The gap especially felt apparent when my sisters (I have three) started moving forward in high school and went to college while I was still in late elementary to middle school. So I was often surrounded by my brothers and was around them more often. And as I was around them more I started to feel envious that they were males while I wasn’t. During middle school, my brothers had their own friends and invited them over during the weekends often. I didn’t have many friends then and the thought of wanting to be male came to me when I couldn’t hang out with my brothers anymore because of THAT gender gap. It just felt too awkward. That was kind of when I wanted to be male and didn’t really like being female.

 

I have felt uncomfortable about being female several times mostly because I had trouble getting along with other females and I didn’t understand what it was like to be “female”. I was never fond of wearing skirts or dresses, or putting on make-up. I was not often interested in topics females talked about. Maybe I did not find the right friends, but still, I felt like I didn’t sink in well with other females I met. I thought that maybe it’d be easier for me to make friends with other males, but I was too afraid to approach them because I was female and had anxiety issues.

 

I’m not sure how much of an influence vk has on me. I just thought that I admired other men because it was the “being attracted to the opposite sex” kind of thing. But I soon realized that maybe I DID want to be like them and other men. So when high school started I cut my hair short, mainly because I wanted to be like Ryutaro Arimura, haha. Because of my flat chest I could pull of the androgyny really well and have been mistaken as a male many times. And I felt happy about it? My family was quite surprised by my actions though, especially my mom who wanted me to keep my hair long like “the rest of the girls”. That started to get annoying. I didn’t want to be like them so I kept my hair short the way I wanted it. It felt good that way.

 

It was during college when I was able to really talk to other people and make more friends, and I really felt that talking with other males was easier. I made good three male friends that I’ve had great conversations with. And similar to darkwater’s case, I’ve had two of them open up to me about personal things that they’d probably talk to other males about, like relationships. I don’t think they primarily viewed me as a female, but as a friend. Which felt great, because I sometimes hated being reminded of being female. But that wasn’t quite the case all the time. I realized that I still had a female side and was attracted to other males. So when I realized that other males didn’t view me as a female, a potential love interest, I felt kind of hurt. And this is why I am so confused about my thoughts on this. Do I really want to be a male? Do I even like girls? No, I don’t think I’m lesbian. Maybe I might like both females and males, but I still have a bigger interest in males. And part of me still wants to be male.

 

Well, to put it in short, sometimes I want to be a little bit of one or the other, and sometimes I feel genderless. I have to blame the gender construct that caused me to feel so troubled about my own biological gender in this way. I still identify myself as female though, because that’s what I was born as and I have never told anyone about this. I would usually prefer it if people didn’t see me so much as one gender or the other, but just as me. So maybe I identify myself as an agender to some extent.

 

 

Again, I’m sorry that I wrote so much. I might have gotten too personal in some areas, which is kind of embarrassing for me to even write, but I felt like writing all this down could somehow sort out some of my thoughts and feelings. This is still kind of new to me because I never really talked about it with anyone. I’m still feeling slightly confused about it and sometimes I even feel like I’m making it all up.

 

*thread revival*

Edited by plastic_rainbow

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I don't feel particularly attached to either gender myself. I often dress in a fashion that incorporates elements of both, but not solidly in either. I'm not particularly androgynous looking and I'm far from perfect. I do like who I am though. :)
Being a non binary can be lonely. Threads like this take some of the sting out of that. So I'm really happy to see it active again.

Edited by Nekonack

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Okay so I revise my statement here from a year ago and am really just finally admitting that I'm trans. Because I'm not the "right kind of masculine" I never really considered myself trans and just kind of thought I must be neither. I've been identifying as nonbinary for a couple years, but honestly that just doesn't feel like enough or like it doesn't fit. I think I've really held back because I can't pass because of my body and my current situation doesn't allow me to medically transition. It's hard because I don't feel like I'm doing enough to "deserve" male pronouns or change my name (if I even knew what name I wanted, which I don't). I also feel like if I'm not dressing masculine enough and not conforming to American gender norms, that the trans community will view me as a joke at best and a threat to trans acceptance at worst. The idea of being accepted as I am as part of the trans community is beyond my expectations, honestly. This is kind of weird, but a visual kei forum seems like a good place to share this. 

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Ayee. I'm a trans girl, currently pre-HRT but I do what I can to stave off the dysphoria. The hardest part here is getting the British healthcare system to accept that I'm trans and not just a confused gay dude and let me start HRT lmao pls help (・へ・)

 

I think visual kei actually helped me figure it out. As a kid, I never really cared about my appearance at all until I started getting into visual kei. I'd look at musicians and get jealous of how they looked really feminine, and then questioned why I'd even care about them looking feminine. I still get jealous of some of them (´Д`)ハァ…

 

On 20/09/2016 at 9:34 PM, mahoujin said:

This is kind of weird, but a visual kei forum seems like a good place to share this. 

 

Makes sense, it's the gender-bending-est genre around (*´ω`*)

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I identify myself as  agender and started to be more open about it since recently. But since years I was questioning myself about how I see myself and I just know that I didn't feel like a man or a woman. I think Visual kei kinda helped me to figure things out because of the androgynous attribute of the aesthetic etc...

It sadly have a kind of impact with how I see my body, I honestly have a big struggle with my breast and curves and I wish I didn't have any, but I don't want male attribute neither, just a "Neutral looking body" if you understand what I mean. I'd feel so much better if I was the way i'd like to, but I don't think I could get my ideal body completely since my idea of beauty for myself is way too unrealistic.

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I’m gonna admit, I’m kinda ignorant on the whole trans thing. I love transgender people and how magical they become when HRT kicks in and the whole transitioning process really starts, I honestly don’t understand the widespread hate on them. But with the “gender noncomforming”, ""agender"" stuff trending these days,  I’m mostly not very comfortable with it at all, like it’s mocking trans people or something. By looking at certain people like that, you can’t really tell if they’re even committed to actually being trans or just doing it cuz it's the new cool thing kids are into, specifically Tumblr kids. A part of me feels that people like that are a disgrace to real trans people, and the reason why trans people aren’t really taken seriously.


However, before you shower me with tomatoes due to my ignorance on this subject, I’m actually kinda confused, about myself specifically. Even though I grew up with the ideology of “you’re either male or female” (and I preached it so many times), I feel that I’m kinda in-between, ironically. Then again, I've always loved the idea of androgny and challenging what is acceptable in society, especially when it comes to crossdressing guys or butch dykes riding motorcycles.

 

(Sorry that this is actually a big giant mess, it's pretty late and I just want to get this all down while I have the chance.)

Spoiler

 

As a child, I was always a tomboy, getting into the boys stuff and making fun of girly shit. I thought nothing of it though, just knew that I didn’t like blending in with the rest. Beginning in my first year of college two years ago, I finally had the freedom to cut my hair short. I’ve wanted this for literally my entire life, but my father always forbid it, only cutting my hair shoulder-length. Now that he’s out of the picture, I got it cut to where I wanted it, and I never felt so great about my appearance, like, ever. It finally felt like I was on a new path in my life, like I was actually starting a new chapter in my life. Then, as soon as my own paychecks started rolling in, I was able to buy my own clothes, of my own choice. That meant a hell of a lot of shirts from Hot Topic and the boys section at Walmart, and flannels. Flannels. The typical butch lesbian-wear made me feel more masculine than I ever felt, and I gained a lot of self-confidence just from my appearance alone. That is, until I started gaining weight, and my curves finally kicked in. Even before that, I always hated my body and had this desire to be skinny. I wanted to be flat as a board. However, skipping ahead, my fascination with corsets turned into a fascination for chest binders. All the butch dykes and ftms were wearing these, so why not join in? Of course I have to keep this secret, but i wanted to fulfill my desire of having a body that I could fully accept and not blend in with every other girl. I haven’t got one yet, but the thought of having one still lingers on. I never had a problem with my boobs since they’re small, but I still want to have that flat masculine body.


It's not just about the looks, however. I was disgusted at the mere thought of feminity, still am to this day really. I grew up around conservative values, so that meant my mother liked to see me dress up (dresses, etc., that I didn't mind much, except my body issues obvs), and looked forward to me getting a man and getting married someday, having her grandchildren, all that shit. I never cared for marriage, even if gay marriage is legal now, I still don't care. I find married life to be restrictive, especially when you add children to the picture. I have better things to do in my life than to throw everything away and become some ~devoted housewife~ and a mother. I never saw myself like that; hell, I don't even like being around children. The stereotypical idea of being a female, in general, disgusted me. I hated being around guys, especially when I was younger, because I knew they believed I was inferior because I'm a girl. I hated being around girls sometimes too, because they'd always talk about girly shit that I wasn't really into, like the guys they liked or shows geared at girls that were hot at the time. I just felt like a complete outsider.

 

However, I realized later on that whenever I get told I look like a boy with my short hair, or my mom would question me about shopping in the boys section, I thought that felt kinda good, I didn't know why. But I knew then that my masculinity was finally being recognized, and I wanted to be taken seriously for it. In fact, I stopped wearing my dresses all together, although I still wear makeup sometimes - because who doesn't, really? At the same time, I also had some hats with bows on them, and had an obsession with female icons like Betty Boop and Marilyn Monroe, and I'd wear clothes and purses with their faces on them. At this point, I was bordering between masculine and feminine traits, and I felt that was ok with me; I mean, why restrict yourself to one thing? I think of that now as I see all these gender-neutral folks "breaking the gender binary", but I didn't see myself that way. I just happen to be an androgynous girl who is kinda masculine. I mean, it's not like I want a sex change - right?

 

One day at work, I tranced off and thought about the state of my life. I finally felt confident in my skin for the first time in who knows how long, but besides reaching my ideal weight, something else was missing. I thought about it for much longer than I needed, and then my mind approached possibly identifying as male. The thought of it literally gave me a chill; what would people think if I ever put this to light? Do I honestly believe I'm meant to be a man? What if I'm just getting overboard with the butch lesbian stuff? I mean, a lot of trans men started off as butch lesbians at first, but was I destined to be one of those who'd actually transition? I'm still kinda confused over it, and not really comfortable talking about it in all honesty. I hardly ever talk about this to people I actually trust. I mean, I wouldn't want to grow a beard or a dick, or a baritone voice, but I hate my female body. I hate my fat curves and my reproductive organs and having to go through periods every month - I actually want to get rid of that, btw. Although I can think masculine or feminine, my body is always strictly female, and I really hate that. Why not have a flat chest and a broader body? Why not eradicate my reproductive abilities completely? The female body is mainly constructed to bear children - I have no use for that shit. I hate it so much, and I just want to have the body of a man, a man who doesn't have to deal with the burden of being fat, of bearing children, and all that other shit.

 

It sounds like I'm rambling atm, but my thoughts about this are all mixed up when it comes to this subject. What I'm trying to say though, is that I grew up with low self-esteem, being suited up as this girly goody-two-shoes, and as I got the opportunity to try new things such as fully adopting masculine ideals, I became more self-confident, yet I am still restricted to being female, and having a female body, which doesn't contemplate well with my ideal masculinity. Being around trans people - online actually, since I've never met one in person -  and reading this thread makes me feel more comfortable in my skin, and helps me understand my problems, even just a bit. However, I just wanna know, am I really trans,  in-between/androgynous, or am I just really confused and need to shut the fuck up and "stop making a mockery of trans people"? I don't wanna offend anyone, but I'm just really confused and still trying to figure myself out.

 

 

Edited by midi:nette

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16 hours ago, secret_no_03 said:

Very interesting read. I'll leave this here and see if anyone finds it interesting. https://www.apnews.com/9ef16f52e9b94b9a838b17a63c6c1e8d

 

oh yeah, i read about that a while ago.  it’s obviously bs.  but from what i understand, japan is still v much in a state of “men should be manly, women should be dainty” from older generations (which btw is that why vk isn’t a super popular thing there?).  it’s not that surprising they’d do that?  but it’s still complete bullshit.  hopefully our trans brothers, sisters, and enbies in japan can overcome it.  it’s also kinda dangerous.  after all, i’m sure that, even there, there’s a way to get hormones without a doc.  there’s always an unsafe alternative.

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