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After quitting my day job I thought I'd get ten times more productive with my other endeavors. Turns out that isn't the case, and whatever hours were spent laboring before are now spent largely idle in want of something to do, agonising myself between fifteen different projects and goals. I'm not passionate enough about anything in particular that'd make me give it the solitary focus that's needed to really _do_ anything worth doing. I'm not even drinking or moving from country to country anymore, so I just sit home and read books and watch movies, go to gym for one week out of every month with 4 weeks of sitting on the couch in the interim ( because what's the point if I can't be pro-athlete/the best. ) I still remember when taken to my first football practice as a little boy and immediately after it had ended I walked up to my mom announced that I'm retiring from football since I didn't score a single goal, and I'd surely be too much of a burden to the team to come back around the second time; and since then I've adopted this philosophy holistically to everything I do. I spend a day pondering over which book should I read in order to get the most out of it or fit into a project I have going on currently... I decide on neither and waste a day. I'm confident in that anything I'd decide to do in life I'd be decent enough at it to not feel like I made the world a worse place to live in while supporting myself both financially and emotionally in the process, but I can't get up from the couch after the first shadow of a doubt comes over me; nothing means anything, but it's both a freedom and a curse all the same. 

 

If nothing else I'll be changing scenery in about a half a month to live in Kiev for a while. I can't stay in the same country too long without exploding. 

 

As I wrote this I forgot the buckwheat on the stove and I burned it

Edited by Disposable

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On 5/29/2019 at 3:11 PM, Disposable said:

If nothing else I'll be changing scenery in about a half a month to live in Kiev for a while.

if you by any chance be in Lviv, drop me a line and we can go for some beers and reminisce about good awld days and retards 

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I don't think I'll ever have a best friend again. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing; just a thought I've been having. I've had a few people tell me I'm motherly, and I think anyone who's even slightly younger than me who gets close enough to me realises this eventually because they start acting like they're my children, so I have to push them away before it gets to the point where I start paying for their dinner almost every day (which has actually happened before). If I do get a best friend again, that'll be great, but it's not a goal of mine and if it happens, it'll take a long time. I really have to be careful about who I let get that close to me again because I end up being treated like a nodding dog who just has to go along with everything. Truth be told, I haven't spoken with the girl I called my best friend in about a month or more and I just feel so much better for it. It's not that I hate her; she was just... taking over my life, somewhat. I'm an introvert who needs space from people, and I wasn't getting that from her. I don't know if anyone gets that from a best friend. I dunno, maybe I'm just unsociable, but I'm happy that way. Perhaps I'm happier than I should be that way, but it works for me. Dgmw, I'm not a hermit, and I can see friends and family for a day or two each week and not feel overwhelmed. I just feel very comfortable in my own company and I need to know that, no matter how many people I meet and interact with, I can always return to my own space without having to think about anything daunting.

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I wanted to play Final Fantasy XII The Zodiac Age which I already own for my PS4, but I was too lazy to boot up the console so I just bought the game again for PC. I think I've reached the ultimate peak of both laziness and stupidity...

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People will try to pull you into their drama, and get you to take their side without even knowing the full story, but learning how to remain objective and truth-centered is VITAL, at least in my experience. Because it's often the case that people are being motivated and blown in directions by winds they're not even aware of - and if you're not careful, they'll try to push you into the same direction in which they're being blown.

 

In those moments, I just try to remain objective and truthful...and ofc people won't like you for not siding with them, but those are usually the same people being unknowingly carried away by the winds of anger, spite, vengeance and god knows what other chaotic entities.

 

In short. I like my peace. Take that other shit elsewhere  👉

 

 

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On 5/29/2019 at 2:11 PM, Disposable said:

If nothing else I'll be changing scenery in about a half a month to live in Kiev for a while. I can't stay in the same country too long without exploding. 

 

You and Famine both. You'll end up partying with Famine and the guys from М8Л8ТХ and Adolfkvlt. Everyone dressed in black pants (doesn't matter if it's jeans or sweatpants, as long as it's black), black jackets (leather or bomber jacket), a black cap and a black fanny pack.

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You'd think that changing jobs would be much more easier, but it's so hard to be an adult. But I'm glad that I'm leaving this toxic and childish company. Hoping the new one would have at least another type of drama, the type that I can actually ignore and won't affect my work.  

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Matty Matheson, man. What an absolutely beast of a human being. Genius, if I may say so. Hilarious guy!

 

Best quote: That's a perfect tomato salad, you can't even see the tomatoes.

 

He's so cool that even the comment section looks good:

 

-"So much oil that the USA wants to invade it."

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Shoutouts to my cousin who's a nurse at one of the Sentara hospitals. The collective hospitals (mainly the general one) just took in all the victims/injured (to my knowledge) of the latest U.S. mass shooting in Virginia Beach. I'm not sure if it was on her shift, but they were certainly busy today.

 

Fucking hell, can people not suck for once and NOT kill people over their disgruntled asses.

Edited by colorful人生

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I remember a few years ago now, probably about 7/8 years ago, my little brother and I  used to sit and watch this animated kids TV show called Little Wizard Tao. I’m trying to find it online and I cannot. It’s infuriating. 

 

Update: Found it literally 2 seconds after posting this. My life story guys.

Edited by TheZigzagoon

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Sorting through my meme folder, found this OC gem of mine. This is from a school talent show that was uploaded on YT years ago, where this band in particular was covering a We Came As Romans song. Not long after I gif'd it, they coincidentally took down the video (after a few years of it being up.)

 

DAFUQ.gif

Edited by colorful人生

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got damn i hate it when people just drop shit on me unannounced IRL, esp. when I already had plans in the first place.. like, PLEASE give me some time to mentally prepare before having to interact w/ y'all and shit 

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2 hours ago, Tokage said:

got damn i hate it when people just drop shit on me unannounced IRL, esp. when I already had plans in the first place.. like, PLEASE give me some time to mentally prepare before having to interact w/ y'all and shit 

Absolutely agree. I also hate it when plans are made, you know what's happening, you know who's going to be there etc and then on the day some other plans are made and some people are invited that you're not mentally prepared for. Fuck that. 

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7 hours ago, Tokage said:

got damn i hate it when people just drop shit on me unannounced IRL, esp. when I already had plans in the first place.. like, PLEASE give me some time to mentally prepare before having to interact w/ y'all and shit 

I'm like that as well hahah

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On 5/31/2019 at 12:37 PM, Gesu said:

I don't think I'll ever have a best friend again. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing; just a thought I've been having. I've had a few people tell me I'm motherly, and I think anyone who's even slightly younger than me who gets close enough to me realises this eventually because they start acting like they're my children, so I have to push them away before it gets to the point where I start paying for their dinner almost every day (which has actually happened before). If I do get a best friend again, that'll be great, but it's not a goal of mine and if it happens, it'll take a long time. I really have to be careful about who I let get that close to me again because I end up being treated like a nodding dog who just has to go along with everything. Truth be told, I haven't spoken with the girl I called my best friend in about a month or more and I just feel so much better for it. It's not that I hate her; she was just... taking over my life, somewhat. I'm an introvert who needs space from people, and I wasn't getting that from her. I don't know if anyone gets that from a best friend. I dunno, maybe I'm just unsociable, but I'm happy that way. Perhaps I'm happier than I should be that way, but it works for me. Dgmw, I'm not a hermit, and I can see friends and family for a day or two each week and not feel overwhelmed. I just feel very comfortable in my own company and I need to know that, no matter how many people I meet and interact with, I can always return to my own space without having to think about anything daunting.

Sorry to quote myself/ramble, but update; she's now trying to talk to me again and is being kinda pushy about me responding to her texts. We just don't have any meaningful communication anymore though and I feel kinda burnt out. Every time we meet up, it's just her on her phone ignoring me and me having to wave my hand in front of her face to get her attention. When I eventually do, we just... don't really do anything worth doing. It's draining.

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4 minutes ago, Gesu said:

Sorry to quote myself/ramble, but update; she's now trying to talk to me again and is being kinda pushy about me responding to her texts. We just don't have any meaningful communication anymore though and I feel kinda burnt out. Every time we meet up, it's just her on her phone ignoring me and me having to wave my hand in front of her face to get her attention. When I eventually do, we just... don't really do anything worth doing. It's draining.

You should keep doing what's best for you. If she's bad for you, stick to your guns :)

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3 minutes ago, nullmoon said:

You should keep doing what's best for you. If she's bad for you, stick to your guns :)

Thanks :) it's difficult though because I've known her for almost fifteen years. We haven't been best friends for that long, but she seems to be clutching at straws to hold onto this friendship that's clearly stagnating and it makes me wonder how many people would do that also. Probably a lot. I know I shouldn't feel selfish for doing what I think is right, but it's just so difficult. I think the difference between she and I is that she spends time with people because they're her friends whereas I'm people's friend because I feel like I can spend time with them.

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15 minutes ago, Gesu said:

Thanks :) it's difficult though because I've known her for almost fifteen years. We haven't been best friends for that long, but she seems to be clutching at straws to hold onto this friendship that's clearly stagnating and it makes me wonder how many people would do that also. Probably a lot. I know I shouldn't feel selfish for doing what I think is right, but it's just so difficult. I think the difference between she and I is that she spends time with people because they're her friends whereas I'm people's friend because I feel like I can spend time with them.

I think the term 'friend' carries a different meaning for some people. I had people getting all pissy with me because I removed them from my friend's list on Facebook. Bear in mind this was because we never conversed outside of work and barely coversed in work. To them I was a friend, but I saw them as strangers with access to my life. 

 

I think in this case maybe this friend sees this arrangement differently. She clearly gets more out of it that you do which is probably why she's so adamant to keep it on life support. I'm getting to the stage where I can't be bothered entertaining certain people anymore and getting nothing back. If your friendship is one-sided, I say just can it :)

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I know I need to learn to be my own person, become self-sufficient etc but not having someone fucking sucks. I've realised that I don't want a relationship per se but intimacy with someone would be delightful. I'm almost 30 and I'd trade in sex for cuddles and 3am conversations in a heartbeat (but I'm not getting any anyway so I have literally nothing to barter with) 🤣

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I always think I want to be with someone but then I jerk off or drop a few bucks for an escort and I go like oh yeah I’d rather just read a book and look at the birds at a park instead of paying for someone elses dinners

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