suji

I joined Monochrome Heaven in 2014, as I was a month away from high school graduation. At 19, I was very much influenced by online culture and also had been on a previous forum that shut down very suddenly earlier that year. Desperate for an outlet for my active mind, I opened up a Twitter months earlier, but at the time, it was just private thoughts that I used to write about in my old diary and online catfights over nothing. As I found visual kei on youtube, I was looking for somewhere to talk about my newfound interest rather than Twitter or Tumblr. I got my Megaromania downloads from a blogspot called Visual-Scandal, and I wondered: how are they getting all this shit? I always saw the name credited as "... @ Monochrome-Heaven" come up a thousand times, and the chatbox that was on the site mentioned them constantly. To add on to my Megaromania fandom, I also signed up for an Under Code Production news site called We Love UCP, which had all the info on UCP related bands, and apparently there were users from this mysterious place that would use this site.

Curious, I lurked on MH a bit, as I felt like I snuck into a VIP-only club or something, and ultimately joined under the name "dyxanadu", taken after my love for Mana/Moi dix Mois. However, after a bit of mocking from others, I settled on the name, "hitsuji-hime" taken after just becoming a full fledged MERRY fan, which was a better choice anyway. As soon as I had found the download section - this was before it was hidden from the site from noobs - it felt like a fucking goldmine. It was like I was getting dibs on stuff that nobody else was getting yet, and it surprised me to know that it was users from Monochrome Heaven - not the vk blogspot - that were contributing these downloads for us. At the time, I was greedy and I wanted more, more, more, so I downloaded all that I could, plus old school bands on Evil en Lucifer (✝) and various others, and requested more stuff I wanted. However, as I was fresh out of high school, I had little money I saved up from part time jobs, so I couldn't really get anything myself and I certainly had no clue how to get stuff from Japan. Even in this modern age, I didn't even think that was possible.

By that point, people thought I was a leech because I would bump my thread every single day for the hope of a download link to answer my calls, and then get pissed off when there was nothing, or just a bump from someone else. As MH was also a hotspot for drama, I would also land in a shitstorm over downloads and various other things that popped up that I didn't like. At that time, I was a bitch on MH and Twitter and was not afraid to say my opinion on things I didn't like or rant about things that I felt upset me at the time. I was also a hardcore liberal so that definitely didn't help with taking jokes or hearing from the other side. My offline life was also pretty hard on me around this time, so I took out all my frustrations online where I could shittalk people without any serious consequences. Eventually, I crossed the line over Lycaon disbanding, and I got the ban later in 2015. Having been banned from my previous forum years back for the same shitty behavior, I was so fucking bitter that I created 2 different sock accounts and of course both were banned pretty quickly. Cue the shittalking of Monoshit Haven on twatter.

Of course, I also developed an interest in the news section as well, as it had current news on certain bands that I never saw on Shattered Tranquility or any other jrock news site. In fact, it was the one place where news would break for the English speaking fandom, and that S-T and others would get some of it from there. Trombe was certainly a character, and I respected him even until the very end. He had knowledge on all these bands, the popular ones and the "no1curr" bands, almost like insider info, and I was truly intrigued. I began contributing to news posts under my first account, and then my 3rd sock account called "midi:nette", which wasn't discovered to be mine until later on because CAT5 is a snitch (just kidding ♥). Then, there was a time when I and many others wanted to contribute more by starting our own news threads, and Trombe was having none of it. He would either post an asshole reply to a thread, or delete a thread altogether and make to where it looked like he wrote it himself. That happened to me when I reported news on Arlequin, and my thread was quickly changed to a Trombe post. I screencapped my findings and showed the mods, and Trombe was gone for good. To this day, I still feel bad about removing one of the top posters of MH, but at the same time, we finally had the freedom to post on the news forum with almost no backlash, other than myself when there's a grammar error ♥

Anyway, back to my situation. I made my 3rd sockpuppet account a little after my other two were banned, but this time, I was smart about keeping it secret - somewhat - and didn't make it totally fucking obvious, as I was using an IP from my college wifi. During that time, I remember all the drama with Rarezhut's sponsorship, blackdoll's Lycaon delusions, and Minpha's kawaii jrocker perversions that led him to terrorize MH and shut down the download section - to the general public at least. After the dust settled, I believe this was around the time I was discovered as I had a spat with someone over a dumb band name, and thus, I contacted CAT5 over the staff's supposed bias against me since he was the one who gave me the hammer the first time. We both had a long talk as I genuinely wanted to repair my reputation after having been shamed and pushed out from the one place that I actually loved, and thankfully he was very understanding and shockingly gave me a second chance. I also made sure to keep my word as I was on hall monitor patrol and reported every little disturbance in the forum, whether it was a double post or shitposting drama that the mods didn't catch. Fast forward to CAT and I being besties and suggesting that I apply for a mod position, and then I end up writing about fucking Jrock Wiki in the fucking bullshit application. I'm still shocked I got in.

As I became a moderator, there was lots of praise, with some voicing their disapproval through the random thread by softtweeting me (is that what they call it?) and DMs wanting to know of my past. Yeah, I was that one crazy bitch who got banned, and guess what, I run all yall bitches now! Who gets to say that often??? At the end of the day, that was the end of my redemption arc, and I'm still working on myself to this day. Throughout my 6 years here, I've experienced a lot of hurt and comfort, plus shit-stirring and tea-spilling, and learned a lot about myself. Unlike any other fandom I've been a part of, I've also made actual lasting friendships among people that I genuinely like and can actually talk about my interests with. Those friendships will always stay with me, even those that have since been lost, and to all the crazy stalkers who came after me for a bit.

The initial announcement of MH closing in the secret staff chat hit me like a bus and made me contemplate my life as I know it. As the day draws closer, it definitely feels like the end of an era. I can say with confidence that there is literally no other place like it. There's no other place that will teach me about Madeth gray'll and Beyonce, the MH PREMIUM ACCOUNT, #ResurrectVK, Yohio and Pokemon, and farting to run off your perverted neighbor. As the top shitposters started to leave and activity began to dwindle, I felt that the forum was really coming to a decline, but I was optimistic for the future but also in denial as well. MH was truly the place I called another home and was part of my daily routine since my college days when I would either be done with homework or procrastinate a large project by researching bands for upcoming news threads. I also want to put out there that I also feel that I had a part in MH's eventual demise by abusing my power and encouraging political discussion which eventually turned into cringe incel Heaven, and I deeply apologize for that and am working to use Twitter better. Overall, I am excited for what lies beyond Monochrome Heaven - unless that is Bright Light Hell or something - and I wish to see you all again very soon on JROCKONE/Twitter/Discord/vkgy.

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I want to thank:
> @CAT5 , the whole staff team, @inartistic, @Serox, @Lestat, @itsukoii, @jibakurei, @metallikita666, @crossparallel,  @Piyu Kotodama, @The Moon, @Tetora, @nekkichi, @nostalgia, @Katt, & @Plant for dealing with my dumb ass and sticking with me in the long run ♥ thank you so much
> @-timecapsule- for lending me marco rarez and then disappearing from the forum before I can say thank you
> @blackdoll for enlightening me with Lycaon/Nicki Minaj mashups and getting me banned from MH the first time
>Junna/Yuuze for letting me in ur shitty alt forum about politics and scat fiction when I was banned and calling me fucking stupid on twitter over weed <3
>kawaii_minpha for starting a hate campaign against me and inspiring various copycat stalkers
>to all those who cancelled me after i converted to conservatism, still love yall ♥

Thank you for everything ♥

xoxo
suji