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Kuro

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    Kiwamu's Bitch

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  1. Kuro

    I'm still not fully sure but I guess I'm both ace and aro. I'm at the end of my thirties now not being in a relationship for over ten years, not having had sex for as long, too. And I can't see myself being involved in any of both. There are thoughts of this on my mind but by now I think it's more some kinda wishful thinking of what's set so deeply in me by what society teaches by how one should be what is normal. Which's pure crap. There's no normal. So while I've been in a relationship for almost nine years since I was 17 and I've had have sex less than ten times with him which's basically nothing I never was really fond of it. Back then I was curious like everyone at my age was. It wasn't really good but I never could have said that I even couldn't admit this to myself but just do now bit by bit (or start relating how I felt back then to what I think might be the reason). I've been in another relation afterwards and there's been even attraction to physical closeness yet I still don't know if again this was the part I learnt by society or just basic attraction to the person (female this time) but less about sex itself. It got less and less and she even once asked me if I were disgusted by touching her. Now I'd say yeah, I was, I am by just thinking about it. But back then I was completely caught off guard and couldn't say anything on it. To me attraction is also more of the aesthetical type even though I referred to people as hot in the past, too. However I recognized I connect hotness with aesthetics and beauty.
  2. Kuro

    I came to the conclusion to leave behind what's bad for me. It's a hard decision and I've been through all my close to 40 year old life to get to that point. However while a part of me just feels like advising to do the same I don't wanna do because I don't your whole situation, you are not me and all that. What I think everyone in such situations should do is think through how things feel for them. Can you go on that way? Can you find ways to talk to her to give her a feeling of how you feel? It might be she never will even imagine this, I'm not even talking about understanding. Also I think it's always good to not just think but listen to your gut feeling. It's so much more trustworthy than any logical thought or any feeling coming from a heart. For your own sake distance yourself what feel unbearable to you. To keep yourself as healthy and strong as possible.
  3. Kuro

    Fully agree to this. Why forgiving them? So they go on like they did before? To make them feel better while they made others feel whatever they feel like now (since there's a wide range I don't put certain ways of feeling like there)?
  4. Kuro

    That changes a lot depending on how close I'm listening and what I'm doing while listening. I listen to music while doing house chores and I sometimes don't listen very closely especially when there are other thoughts coming to my mind and are more present. I listen to music while working on novels and stuff and I sometimes don't even recognize what I'm listening to though later some of that music triggers thoughts of what I was working on so there's a connection being created and I sometimes connect certain scenes to certain parts of songs. I barely watch anything so for bands I love a lot I might watch a PV when it comes out, sometimes I watch it a bit more often but that's rare. Depending on the bands and whether I've seen them live or not there also might be scenes of that on my mind either scenes I've seen or rather thoughts/feelings I've had during/around the time of the lives. Also depending on what's present in my life while I listen to songs a lot I sometimes start connection songs to these situations. That also happens when I understand (parts of) the lyrics or read translations and connect to them out of my own experience (be it the whole lyrics or - what happens more often - parts of them). I also sometimes concentrate on music and certain aspects even though I'm not really good at details so I focus more on accentuation in combination with the lyrics (for example Gazette's "Falling" like in the middle of the song where Ruki sings "I'm gonna fall" and with the word "fall" they made the song in an accentuated way, like everything's crashing without stopping afterwards but I recognized that pretty fast because this one is very obvious). I also do this to either find new things even after years of listening to songs or to focus on details I just love like certain guitar melodies or ways of singing or drums parts, bass parts whatever.
  5. Kuro

    @KomorebiBasically I think talking things through is always worth it with people that are dear to oneself. But then you actually even tried with telling her how you feel while even going through a real tough time (which makes it even harder going through this crap). I've been at a similar point this year, several times actually even though all were long-term stuff (like me being hurt for months or years). I decided on parting. I leave behind what's not doing me good. I've been fighting so much and it never paid off. Who doesn't show me I'm important to them doesn't belong in my life anymore. But I had to learn this the hard way and over many many years. I wish to you it'll be an easier way for you, it won't ever be easy though.
  6. I always guessed all except for Aoi left 彩冷える to get out of their contract. I also guess they couldn't just disband due to that contract. But I don't know, that's always just been my guess. So with enough time passing they could get back together.
  7. Kuro

    I think I never really listened to their older stuff so it's just parts of their albums I put here. From best to worst The Marrow Of A Bone Withering To Death Vulgar Arche The Insulated World Uroboros Dum Spiro Spero
  8. Kuro

    Not knowing anything about the educational system in the UK but from your post it doesn't sound any different from Germany's regarding not caring about individual people but just wanting to get everyone out the same. As if people were like that ... Individualism doesn't count at all. Sad but true. In my opinion that's part of the increasing numbers of people suffering from depression, burn-out and a lot more. Everyone shall be as the rest, the bigger part not even be too educated to think for themselves but just follow crap some others came up with. Don't question anything just function. And be able to replace somehow who got sorted out.
  9. Kuro

    I guess for the kids it was easy at some point because I acted as a mixture between teacher and buddy. Like we talked in a pretty lax way but I'm also pretty strict regarding rules. It's easier to show this to a kid. Convincing adults that think of you still being a child/teen/adolescent might be harder. On the other hand, if you work for a company and not self-employed you got hired and therefore must be qualified.
  10. Kuro

    When I started working with elementary school students (I'm not a teacher it was more about teaching them how to use a PC more than ten years ago because most teachers were rather old and had no clue of it but it had to be taught), being the middle of my 20s back then and 154 cm I really was afraid about being taken seriously. It worked but kids are different from adults I guess. At least my voice ain't high therefore it's pretty low in volume because I'm shy and an introvert and that doesn't help with talking to others and I have to prepare myself before to talk loud enough. It worked better with the kids back then and after them getting to me and the other way around things settled pretty fine (I can talk pretty loud when I feel comfortable). But talking in low volume doesn't help with people taking me as serious as they should now, too. And I guess being that short always just made people even think more I'm quite younger than I am.
  11. Kuro

    I have to admit it felt strange when it stopped. I still think it's pretty funny and sometimes I still expect to get asked. And in the end I think it's better than looking a lot older than I am (at least considering I'm turning 40 next year yet still feeling like 22).
  12. Kuro

    I've been through this when buying cigarettes until around 35. At some point I just awaited being asked and already smirked when they really did. Don't mind this I tried to take it as a compliment.
  13. Gazette Without any question. I've been doing for 12 weeks straight just now (except for listening to previews or full MV vids here when they got posted but just for trying them out once).
  14. Kuro

    Hey hey and welcome. I also can't pick a single album as a favorite but starting by favorite songs, I actually can't decide either. Like you said some are better some are a bit less good but still good though. 😅
  15. Kuro

    I never had a Spotify account or something the like. I dislike streaming. I'm still going by digital files from ripped CD's or sometimes digitally bought releases. I barely listen to any western music and when I do it's more for nostalgic reasons and there I'm back with ripped CD files.
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